Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Shorts on the Ground

"Call yourself a cool cat, lookin' like a fool, walkin' downtown with your pants on the ground." - General Larry Platt

Today, I stepped into my black swim shorts (and my amazing Cacique swim top) and shot a quick glance at the mirror. Hmph! “I must be losing some weight,” I thought. My shorts seemed a tad loose. Oh well. Off to the Y I went.

I stepped into the pool. Ahh…the water embraced me. I love water. It speaks to my soul. I started around the lazy river but something seemed…wrong. I pulled my shorts up. I straightened my top and made sure it was pulled down snug. Yep…everything was covered. I kept walking, but the current seemed to be dragging my drawers behind me. I pulled my shorts up to my boobs. There. That should fix it.

Nope. I was flowing fabric like Stevie Nicks. What the crap? I gathered the legs of my shorts up like a Victorian lady hiking her skirt and wandered over to my dear husband. I explained my dilemma, but having always been of the opinion that his 250-pound wife should be swimming in a bikini instead of shorts, he was not sympathetic.  I tied my shorts up in knots high on each thigh and went about my swimming.

When I stepped out of the pool and progressed to the hot tub, I became distinctly aware that my arse was now sagging. My drawers, tied in knots in the front, had drooped down to the backs of my knees like a saggy diaper. Once again, I gathered my flowing, sagging fabric and went about my business.

At home, blessedly away from the peering, judging eyes of fellow Y swimmers who were bright enough to wear workout PANTS with their swim tops, I held up my ‘shorts’ for inspection.  Holy horrors! They were SEE-THROUGH! I’m talking transparent see-through. And they had stretched from my boobs (still graciously held in that fabulous Cacique top near the top of my chest where they are supposed to be, but aren’t) to below my knees! And I had been wearing them in PUBLIC!

I believe they are magic shorts. Start with a 1x, apply chlorine and voila! Super-size shorts! I could fit me and the Big Dog in these shorts. And he is a very big dog.

Now where am I going to find swim shorts to fit me in September? Screw you, lycra swim shorts. And chlorine too. Hmph.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Pain of Perseveration

“If at first you don’t succeed, perseverate.” – Aspie’s favorite quote

The amazing thing about Asperger Syndrome, is that to the untrained eye, the Aspergian may not initially appear to have any sort of syndrome at all. I often hear things strangers say. Things like:  “Oh, he looks normal.”  Or “he doesn’t look autistic to me.” My general thought is always “you don’t live with this kid.” Furthermore, what does Asperger Syndrome look like? It kind of looks like this-

First of all, he PERSEVERATES. Second, he can’t let go of a subject he is interested in. Third, he really digs in and perseverates on things that he obsesses about. Fourth, he goes on and on at length about his perseverations. Are you getting the idea? Do you want to beat your head into a wall yet?

His main interest right now, besides the opposite sex, is Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and anime clubs. He trades, collects, arranges, shuffles, rearranges, displays, talks about, demonstrates, and duels with his cards. He carries them in an old milk crate that he pilfered. That’s another thing about Aspergians. What is theirs is theirs. What is yours is theirs. It’s all theirs if they like it. It is somewhat reminiscent of raising a toddler. A 16-year old toddler. I wonder if Ariel from the Little Mermaid had Asperger Syndrome?

He has the cards sorted into plastic sleeves in 3-ring binders and he uses his card decks to duel other boys with similar perseverating tendencies. Sometimes they duel in the library. Sometimes it is at the school-sponsored anime club. Sometimes it is in our living room. Sometimes, I think he duels himself, like some bizarre form of solitaire.

The issue is not so much the cards, or the dueling, or the anime clubs. It is the incessant talking about the cards and the dueling and the card clubs! Observe a typical conversation in our house:

Aspie: I got a blue-eyed dragon. It has 3 billion attack points.
Me: Yes, very cool.
A: Do you want to see my red-winged monstrous gnome?
M: No, son…I’m working on something.
A: It has even more attack points than all the other cards in my super deck.
M: Mmm…I see.
A: Can I go to Jim Bob’s and trade cards?
M: No, son…we will be doing chores soon and dinner.
A: Do you think I could do a fundraiser at the church for anime club?
M: No, son…you are not in anime club this year until your grades improve, remember?
A: Oh, yeah. Can I go to Jim Bob’s to trade cards?
M: No, son. What did I say?
A: You said we are doing chores soon and dinner, but I need to see if he has a white-tailed high-flying     drone.
M: You can’t go there today.
A: Can I have something to eat?
M: No, we’ll be having dinner soon and we are starting chores and you’ve already had a snack.
A: Ok. I’m going to call Jo Belle and ask her if I can use the church for the dinner.
M: What dinner?
A: The fundraiser for anime club.
M: YOU ARE NOT IN ANIME CLUB. You have to improve your grades first.
A: I have a D in math.
M: Exactly. You have to have at least a C.
A: Ok. Can I go to Jim Bob’s?
M: NO. YOU CANNOT GO TO JIM BOB’S. We are going to start chores soon and then have dinner!!
A: But I have to go because tomorrow is anime club at the library and if I don’t have a yellow-nosed ripple-backed sprite I won’t be able to duel John George.
M: You cannot go to Jim Bob’s right now.
A: Mom, you know what would be good for the treasure chest (for chore rewards)?
M: (through gritted teeth) What??
A: Super duper, premium, debt-inducing Yu-Gi-Oh card packs.
M: Son, you need to go find something to do. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m working on something.
A brief pause…
A: Mom?
A: Do you think we should serve spaghetti at the fundraiser for anime club?
M: BLEEP Son, you are driving me up a BLEEP wall! You are not BLEEP in BLEEP anime club because your BLEEP grades are not good. I know you heard me!! BLEEP Would you please BLEEP BLEEP go find something to do?! BLEEP…BLEEP…BLEEEEEEEEEP.
Brief silence…
A: Well…I have to have the fundraiser next week.
M: BLEEEEEP (closing my computer) BLEEEP (leaving the room) BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP
A: Mom?
M: (Shutting bedroom door, still mumbling) BLEEEEP, I need chocolate.