The Pain of Perseveration

“If at first you don’t succeed, perseverate.” – Aspie’s favorite quote

The amazing thing about Asperger Syndrome, is that to the untrained eye, the Aspergian may not initially appear to have any sort of syndrome at all. I often hear things strangers say. Things like:  “Oh, he looks normal.”  Or “he doesn’t look autistic to me.” My general thought is always “you don’t live with this kid.” Furthermore, what does Asperger Syndrome look like? It kind of looks like this-

First of all, he PERSEVERATES. Second, he can’t let go of a subject he is interested in. Third, he really digs in and perseverates on things that he obsesses about. Fourth, he goes on and on at length about his perseverations. Are you getting the idea? Do you want to beat your head into a wall yet?

His main interest right now, besides the opposite sex, is Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and anime clubs. He trades, collects, arranges, shuffles, rearranges, displays, talks about, demonstrates, and duels with his cards. He carries them in an old milk crate that he pilfered. That’s another thing about Aspergians. What is theirs is theirs. What is yours is theirs. It’s all theirs if they like it. It is somewhat reminiscent of raising a toddler. A 16-year old toddler. I wonder if Ariel from the Little Mermaid had Asperger Syndrome?

He has the cards sorted into plastic sleeves in 3-ring binders and he uses his card decks to duel other boys with similar perseverating tendencies. Sometimes they duel in the library. Sometimes it is at the school-sponsored anime club. Sometimes it is in our living room. Sometimes, I think he duels himself, like some bizarre form of solitaire.

The issue is not so much the cards, or the dueling, or the anime clubs. It is the incessant talking about the cards and the dueling and the card clubs! Observe a typical conversation in our house:

Aspie: I got a blue-eyed dragon. It has 3 billion attack points.

Me: Yes, very cool.

A: Do you want to see my red-winged monstrous gnome?

M: No, son…I’m working on something.

A: It has even more attack points than all the other cards in my super deck.

M: Mmm…I see.

A: Can I go to Jim Bob’s and trade cards?

M: No, son…we will be doing chores soon and dinner.

A: Do you think I could do a fundraiser at the church for anime club?

M: No, son…you are not in anime club this year until your grades improve, remember?

A: Oh, yeah. Can I go to Jim Bob’s to trade cards?

M: No, son. What did I say?

A: You said we are doing chores soon and dinner, but I need to see if he has a white-tailed high-flying     drone.

M: You can’t go there today.

A: Can I have something to eat?

M: No, we’ll be having dinner soon and we are starting chores and you’ve already had a snack.

A: Ok. I’m going to call Jo Belle and ask her if I can use the church for the dinner.

M: What dinner?

A: The fundraiser for anime club.

M: YOU ARE NOT IN ANIME CLUB. You have to improve your grades first.

A: I have a D in math.

M: Exactly. You have to have at least a C.

A: Ok. Can I go to Jim Bob’s?

M: NO. YOU CANNOT GO TO JIM BOB’S. We are going to start chores soon and then have dinner!!

A: But I have to go because tomorrow is anime club at the library and if I don’t have a yellow-nosed ripple-backed sprite I won’t be able to duel John George.

M: You cannot go to Jim Bob’s right now.

A: Mom, you know what would be good for the treasure chest (for chore rewards)?

M: (through gritted teeth) What??

A: Super duper, premium, debt-inducing Yu-Gi-Oh card packs.

M: Son, you need to go find something to do. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m working on something.

A brief pause…

A: Mom?

M: WHAT?!

A: Do you think we should serve spaghetti at the fundraiser for anime club?

M: BLEEP Son, you are driving me up a BLEEP wall! You are not BLEEP in BLEEP anime club because your BLEEP grades are not good. I know you heard me!! BLEEP Would you please BLEEP BLEEP go find something to do?! BLEEP…BLEEP…BLEEEEEEEEEP.

Brief silence…

A: Well…I have to have the fundraiser next week.

M: BLEEEEEP (closing my computer) BLEEEP (leaving the room) BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP

A: Mom?

M: (Shutting bedroom door, still mumbling) BLEEEEP, I need chocolate.    

           

     

     

Tales of Woe and Chocolate

"What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate." - Katherine Hepburn

As·pie Mo·ment  temporary breakdown induced by a child with Asperger’s syndrome; moment of insanity temporarily cured by consuming mass amounts of chocolate

Okay, okay…an aspie moment isn’t really about the mother, but ingesting chocolate can increase a mother’s ability to cope. What is an aspie moment? It may be the breakdown a person with Asperger’s syndrome has when they are too overwhelmed and their sensory integration systems are short circuiting. It may be the meltdown that comes when an aspie wants what they want the moment they want it…but they don’t get it. Or, it may just be one of those ‘uh…alrighty then’ kind of moments that you witness an aspie having.

This last one, you just have to experience to understand. Last week in a restaurant, I saw my aspie pick up a glass to move it across the table. He stopped, mid-move, lifted another glass, and clanged the two together. He listened intently to the sound and then returned to dipping his fries in a bath of honey mustard (the 2^nd bowl of honey mustard he had asked the waiter for).  I immediately thought to myself “uh…alrighty then.” If you know an aspie, you have probably witnessed many such moments. You may even witness such moments among strangers and think to yourself “I wonder if they are on the spectrum?”

Anyhoo, this week I’ve witnessed aspie moments of the worst kind.  Sixteen year-old Aspie has been breaking down to the point of tears over relatively minor crises: the trash being too heavy, the lawn mower blade needing sharpening, pizza from the refrigerator being cold. He is overwhelmed by the situation and quickly resorts to whining and finally to tears and storming off to his room. Several tearful fits finally led to a mildly aggressive outburst.

Now Big Dog and I get to play the very un-amusing game of Guess-the-Problem. It could be the new medication we’re trying. Or it could be the end-of-quarter change of school schedule. Or it could be that he is interested in a girl and hasn’t resolved asking her out yet. Or it could be that he asked her out and got rejected. Or it could be that his senior-year friends are graduating. Or…

And so the game goes. We may never find the answer. Aspie doesn’t really know either. Although he is graced with exceptional language abilities, he doesn’t have the ability to articulate what is bothering him. Whatever it is, it activates the very primal fight-or-flight syndrome. Sometimes he fights. Sometimes he flees. Sometimes he just stands there and cries. It is frustrating and exhausting for all involved.

As a mother, I generally lose the game. I can never figure out what the problem is and I end up losing my patience when he won’t comply with chores, or meal plans, or schedules. In the end, he goes to bed overwhelmed and frustrated, and I turn to chocolate. 

The Disturbing Dilemma of an Anxious Aspie

Meal time has brought up a new and disturbing challenge for my environmentally-conscious Aspie. He must decide what to prepare his food on- paper plates, or real ones. Paper plates waste perfectly good trees and fill up landfills. Real plates require clean up which wastes water and energy.

Q: What is a good tree-hugging Aspie to do?
A: Reduce the size of the paper plates!

That's right. He cuts paper plates into halves, or thirds, or fourths- whatever size does the job- and saves the remaining piece(s) for the next meal. I now have a stack of cut up paper plates on the kitchen island. (colossal eye roll)

On a more sense-itive note-
I have always had a wee little bit of worry about Rough Stuff. She has 'Aspie traits'. I would never say would not say at this time, that she actually has Asperger's Syndrome, but she has some telltale traits that hint at an Asperger-like persona. So, I was not surprised one evening at dinner when she and Aspie had a very serious conversation about the taste of the pickles on the buffet. According to this sensory enlightened pair, the pickles tasted like old cars. Not new cars, nope, really old cars. I was intrigued. What, I asked, do old cars taste like and why would they know? (I would not be surprised if Rough Stuff had actually tasted an old car, or several.) They explained that the pickles tasted the way old cars smell like they would taste.

Alrighty then.   

It Smells Good...But You Can't Smell Texture.

We had lasagna for dinner. Aspie wouldn’t eat. His cold is heightening his sensory issues. His response: It smells good…but you can’t smell texture.

He is hungry, but his fear of texture is overwhelming right now. So, he prances around the kitchen tapping his fingers on every surface available while stressing and whining about his rumbling tummy. This is life with a teenager with Asperger’s Syndrome.

His sensory issues are directly linked to his stress level. Thanksgiving break = high stress level. A common cold= high stress level. (We get to experience both in one week!) The higher the stress level, the more intense the sensory issues. As a teenager, he takes care of most of his issues himself. He handles his own showers and prevents his wet hair from dripping on his dry clothes. He turns his socks inside out-they’re softer that way. He doesn’t shave. He uses only one brand of scent-free deodorant. Food is where the rest of the family becomes ultra-aware of his sensory quirks.

Lasagna has the wrong texture. Spaghetti sauce should be run through a blender to remove unappealing lumps. Spices and seasonings are taboo. No onions, parsley flakes, or bits of vegetables (tomato, mushroom, green pepper). No mixed foods (no soup, stew, chicken and noodles, casseroles, etc.).

In a bit of Aspie irony, everything must be swimming in condiments. Anything spicy will do, but his faves are mustard, honey mustard, and BBQ sauce. He goes through about a bottle a week, of each. He survives on peanut butter, bread, and chicken patties.

He started a new medicine last month and it increased his appetite to Herculean proportions. He is gaining weight at an alarming rate now and I find myself policing his food consumption 24/7.  Maybe I can find a way to texturize mustard and BBQ sauce.